The Coyote's Quote Repository

News Ticker for December 28, 2006

2006-12-28T11:04:00.000-08:00

CUIP News for December 28, 2006 ... Those who can't do, teach, report suggests; further evidence indicates those who can't teach teach teachers ... Oscar buzz engulfs "Jack Lanterns" films; "I honestly cannot explain it," anonymous star confides ... Scientists reveal the rain in Spain falls mainly on arid formerly forested areas whose timber went into the Spanish Armada centuries ago, not on the plain ... 74% of Truman education students find observation hours height of tedium, poll says; other 26% brainwashed, comatose ... Bigfoot-Yeti clash grinds to draw; rematch scheduled for July 4 ... Stolen HTML case goes cold; suspect last spotted in Barbados in November '05 ... Boredom, irrelevance at seasonal high ... This is CUIP News

My Old Quiz

2006-06-17T03:46:00.000-07:00

Take It Now!

News Ticker for May 20, 2006

2006-05-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

CUIP News for May 20, 2006 ... CUIP News central office finally rebuilt after disastrous May 2005 fire ... Second fire destroys news capabilities for the immediate future ... This is CUIP News

Union Jack

2005-07-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

Mike, at Lunch on 11/16/2004 (November 16, 2004-May 31, 2005)

2005-05-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

That doesn't apply to me - I'm Dennis Quaid!

News Ticker for May 28, 2005

2005-05-28T03:39:00.000-07:00

CUIP News for May 28, 2005 ... Gov't study: Household monotony at all-time high ... Supreme Court refuses to hear case of Lack of Car v. Lack of Money ... Stolen HTML code carrier's right hand lopped off in lightsaber duel of destiny ... Harry Reid: "This is an historic day for civility in the Senate" ... Bill Frist: "WAH! WAH! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" ... Bigfoot reportedly training for July 4 rematch vs. Yeti ... Prime Archons of United States of Explosions sighted constructing crude time machine from aluminum cans and D-cell batteries ... Anonymous sources frequently unreliable, source says ... George Lucas hires lawyers to write newer, stiffer dialogue for "Episode VII: A New Waste of Your Money Because I'm George Lucas and I Say So" ... Lucas: John Kerry to play lead role in new Star Wars; Hayden Christiansen cited as "Wooden, but not as corpse-like as I want" ... Nerds: "Stop bashing Star Wars" ... Thinking people: "Go away, nerds" ... American economy pretty bad, experts say ... Forecast: mostly cloudy with a 57% chance of brooding for the next three months; relief not expected till mid-August ... This is CUIP News

News Ticker for February 27, 2005

2005-02-27T02:34:00.000-08:00

CUIP News for February 27, 2005 ... Goodness abounds, source says ... Meteorologists: Deep, dreary winter is fading; 57% chance of symbolism on March 21 ... Source: abridged tickers save time, sanity ... This is CUIP News

News Ticker for December 24, 2004

2004-12-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

CUIP News for December 24, 2004 ... Christmas officially endorsed by Wal-Mart; Christmas sues for slander ... Kirksville squirrels to Truman students: "We own your souls" ... Becker family Christmas rumored to be dull, unexciting, possibly treeless ... FDA pulls Tylenol; recall "just for kicks," gov't official says ... Bob bored, sources say ... Physicists: Santa will burn up in atmosphere if he is real at all; in related news, children cry ... India not entirely psyched about Jesus's birth ... Generic, meaningless secular holidays created to validate "Happy Holidays" ... Christmas commercialized, heartless corporations suggest ... With Hannukah already over, Jews slightly confused by "Happy Holidays" greeting; "Just say Merry Christmas - we get it," says one man ... CUIP Weather: our apologies, but all our equipment froze ... Despite physics experiments, "lightcicles" will not come in 7 different flavors in time for the holidays ... Negative hurricane spotted in Canada, but occurrence said to be tempest in a teapot ... In other news, no one understands old analogies ... Alternate-universe Bob enjoys warm, festive Christmas with family, friends, and girlfriend; actual Bob hallucinating about fake European vacations to avoid soul-crushing loneliness and boredom ... Prediction #27 for 2005: January 13 will be a good day ... Science thought to be good for making advances in the field of science ... Bigfoot: "I didn't mean to kill; I just didn't know not to" ... "Lost Skeleton of Cadavra" writer Larry Blamire sues Bigfoot for copyright infringement ... Idiots rule world, smart dude says ... "Smart people...what?" says dumb guy ... Newly-discovered axis said to be evil ... News tickers lose shine in time according to study ... Russian president Vladmir Putin declares himself czar; in other news, Bob goes to sleep ... This is CUIP News

Banner headline from Tuesday, October 6 St. Louis Post-Dispatch (October 6-November 16)

2004-11-17T13:54:00.000-08:00

SLAM-A-LAM-A-DING DONG!

W.E.B. Du Bois, from "Of the Wings of Atalanta," an essay from The Souls of Black Folk (July 16-October 6)

2004-10-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

Teach thinkers to think, - a needed knowledge in a day of loose and careless logic; and they whose lot is gravest must have the carefulest training to think aright.

News Ticker for September 27, 2004

2004-09-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

CUIP News for September 27, 2004 ... Florida still exists after hurricanes, sources say ... Pithy commentary lacking in blog sidebars, study suggests ... Bush to Kerry: "Don't misunderestimate me" ... Kerry to Bush: "I will not underestimate you in any way. In fact, I believe I have accurately assessed you throughout your term as president. Such assessment is a difficult task in today's world, given the incredible amounts of-" ... BREAKING NEWS: Typist recording Kerry's remarks dies of boredom ... Squirrels declared part of the Axis of Evil ... "Blogosphere" already outdated, blogging nerds say ... Yeti qualifies for presidential debate ... Stolen HTML code carrier sighted off Highway 63 in Kirksville; hides in Wal-Mart, escapes ... Wasted Guy: Kirksville is boring ... Sober Guy: Kirksville is super-amazing ... Political Guy not available for comment due to stress-induced coma ... Source: Cheney not human ... Cheney: "F@#! yourself" ... Bush: Huh? ... Kerry says something; dead typist does not record comments ... Edwards: "I'm perfect! Hello? I'm John Edwards, Mr. Perfect! PLEASE vote for me and John - we're bestest buddies and we'll make America good again!" ... Cheney strangles Edwards, defends himself as protecting America ... Slow news days bad for tickers everywhere, group hints ... This is CUIP News

Thomas Jefferson, from "The Declaration of Independence" (July 4-16, 2004)

2004-07-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

News Ticker for July 17, 2004

2004-07-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

CUIP News for July 17, 2004 ... Martha Stewart jailed, strikes fear into other inmates ... John Kerry bruised by flying copy of One-Minute Phil ... Dubbya to world: "Fool me once...shame on...well, fool me...don't fool me" ... Reps to install filter on Cheney ... Yeti disqualified before July 4 Bigfoot-Yeti rumble due to adverse political rhetoric ... High-level GOP'ers questioned on Iraq; pols suggest Federal Marriage Amendment as solution ... Clinton to everybody: "I feel your pain" ... Dems to Clinton: "Please come back" ... Reps to Clinton: "Please die" ... Kerry denies lack of charisma, eats plain sandwich ... Future news: Rockaway Beach old people die; children trapped in one-employer casino economy with high crime rate and dwindling population ... Homosexuality causes death, new Foundation for the Family study suggests ... Cheney stabs Edwards, justifies it by saying "I felt better afterwards" ... New device may hold key to holding darkness, ill-will in Cheney's heart, conservative think-tank reports ... Battle Royal between all candidates suggested in event of November election delay ... Becker on D.C. Travelogue: "No, I really will finish it" ... This is CUIP News

Truman State University General/Graduate Catalogue, p.28 (June 26-July 4, 2004)

2004-07-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

The University reserves the right to deny admission to applicants who have criminal convictions showing moral turpitude.

News Ticker for July 3, 2004

2004-07-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

CUIP News for July 3, 2004 ... Candidates agree to "fight night" in event of electoral tie ... Agents carrying vital college intelligence pursued, lost ... Cubs fight curse; failure imminent, person with brain says ... Stolen HTML code carrier sighted at Fair St. Louis; agents give chase, are stopped by humidity and rain ... Bigfoot-Yeti fight scheduled for July 4 in Vegas ... Thomas Jefferson rises from grave, asks if government got much bigger; disintegrates upon reply ... Anarchists protest democracy before electing leader ... Anarchists give up after irony is pointed out to them ... Mentally-challenged man's hoard of Bars-O'-Nasty begins to rot, fester; hazardous materials team called in ... Bars-O'-Nasty have a half-life of one billion years, chemist says ... Drowsiness, apathy combine for mediocre news tickers, study finds ... Senate panel decries unnecessary length of mediocre tickers ... Probe nears Saturn, discovers giant planet is only an illusion ... Pith helmet yet unworn in public, sources say ... Uselessness pushed to new limits according to experts ... This is CUIP News

Stephen E. Ambrose, Undaunted Courage (June 19-26, 2004)

2004-06-26T07:14:00.000-07:00

The animal was a coyote. Lewis and Clark were the first Americans to see one. The captains set a precedent; millions of Americans who came after have also failed in their attempt to kill the coyote.

News Ticker for June 26, 2004

2004-06-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

CUIP News for June 26, 2004 ... Mosquitoes, humidity form alliance against unseasonably cool weather ... Cheney to Leahy: "F#@! yourself" ... Carl to Cheney: "Know thyself" ... Bush orders patriot missile strike of Michael Moore's house ... Moore's movie thrills ignorant partisans, irks intelligent viewers ... Stolen HTML code carrier trapped in tunnel near top of dam, leaps off, survives ... Hollywood producers file trademark infringement suit against HTML code carrier ... Monotony getting old, study claims ... Colombian drug lords meet in Caracas; incorrect South American capital draws embarrassment, assorted murders ... Español no es importante, dicen expertos ... Ironic attempts at humor condemned by Justice Department ... Future news: "White Chicks" captures zeitgeist of America in an election year; "Fahrenheit 9/11" slips into obscurity ... Source: Bush, Kerry actually same person ... Carl accuses Bush of hubris; Bush accuses Carl of misunderestimation ... AP: satire less funny when drawn out interminably ... This is CUIP News

Page Description - Alternate Wording II (May-June 19, 2004)

2004-06-19T02:57:00.000-07:00

A Void of Meaninglessness Established by the Coyote, Generating Minimal Interest Since 2004

(Also - Investigating the Feasibility of New Toaster and Pantaloon Technology and Ridding Lemay of WMD's)

Page Description - Alternate Wording I (May 2004)

2004-06-19T02:55:00.000-07:00

A Void of Meaninglessness Established by the Coyote, Generating Minimal Interest Since 2004

Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons (June 12-19, 2004)

2004-06-19T02:52:00.000-07:00

I bent my Wookie.

News Ticker for June 19, 2004

2004-06-19T02:50:00.000-07:00

CUIP News for June 19, 2004 ... Pretentious, self-deceiving pop singer changes name, nationality, and race ... Prez to Madonna/Esther: Enemies of freedom are subject to secret strategery ... Future news: children of Madonna, Michael Jackson form alliance, sell "herbs" ... Boredom contagious, study shows ... Bob wears pith helmet in public; elicits stares, confusion ... Roadkill poor in nutrients, rural survey suggests ... Absence of news, token-gay creates internet void ... Stolen HTML code sighted in Montana woods; Bigfoot files trademark infringement suit ... Yeti to Bigfoot: "Bring it on" ... U.S. Olympic team taunts French team; surrender expected Monday ... Teen romance flicks outlawed by obscure clause in Patriot Act ... Secret John Ashcroft porn stash located ... Michael Moore gets angry at, makes money from country he hates ... Reps, Dems brawl on Capitol steps; Nader wins ... Polls say Azerbaijan least pronounceable country ... Random scroll tidbits difficult to find, harder to make up according to committee findings ... This is CUIP News

News Ticker for June 12, 2004

2004-06-19T01:00:00.001-07:00

CUIP News for June 12, 2004 ... Stolen HTML code searched for ... Blog material to the side less important, studies say ... Intrusive Reagan funeral cameramen to appear in new reality series: "Who Wants to Obsessively Photograph My Father's Corpse?" ... Bar-O'-Nasty spill on highway causes mass confusion, plague ... Windox Operating System mysteriously sells out; Bill Gates crushes Windox ... Absence of token-gay troublesome to blog networks, research shows ... Copies of "Marriage is for Keeps" sighted on fire, covered in excrement near 270 and Ladue ... Scroll text neither popular nor effective, news poll suggests ... Man demands scissors, destroyed sheet of paper from six-year-old; standoff continues ... College not starting soon enough, experts say ... Sicillian English teacher to petition Kerry for order ... Dems, Reps issue bipartisan reprimand of Sicillian English teacher ... Media vultures leave Reagan, go to OJ ... This is CUIP News

Ronald Reagan, from the Berlin Wall Speech of June 12, 1987 (June 5-12, 2004)

2004-06-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!

Emily Dickinson, 816 (June 2-5, 2004)

2004-06-19T00:58:00.000-07:00

A Death blow is a Life blow to Some
Who till they died did not alive
become -
Who had they lived, had died but when
They died Vitality begun.