CUIP News for December 24, 2004 ... Christmas officially endorsed by Wal-Mart; Christmas sues for slander ... Kirksville squirrels to Truman students: "We own your souls" ... Becker family Christmas rumored to be dull, unexciting, possibly treeless ... FDA pulls Tylenol; recall "just for kicks," gov't official says ... Bob bored, sources say ... Physicists: Santa will burn up in atmosphere if he is real at all; in related news, children cry ... India not entirely psyched about Jesus's birth ... Generic, meaningless secular holidays created to validate "Happy Holidays" ... Christmas commercialized, heartless corporations suggest ... With Hannukah already over, Jews slightly confused by "Happy Holidays" greeting; "Just say Merry Christmas - we get it," says one man ... CUIP Weather: our apologies, but all our equipment froze ... Despite physics experiments, "lightcicles" will not come in 7 different flavors in time for the holidays ... Negative hurricane spotted in Canada, but occurrence said to be tempest in a teapot ... In other news, no one understands old analogies ... Alternate-universe Bob enjoys warm, festive Christmas with family, friends, and girlfriend; actual Bob hallucinating about fake European vacations to avoid soul-crushing loneliness and boredom ... Prediction #27 for 2005: January 13 will be a good day ... Science thought to be good for making advances in the field of science ... Bigfoot: "I didn't mean to kill; I just didn't know not to" ... "Lost Skeleton of Cadavra" writer Larry Blamire sues Bigfoot for copyright infringement ... Idiots rule world, smart dude says ... "Smart people...what?" says dumb guy ... Newly-discovered axis said to be evil ... News tickers lose shine in time according to study ... Russian president Vladmir Putin declares himself czar; in other news, Bob goes to sleep ... This is CUIP News