CUIP News for December 28, 2006 ... Those who can't do, teach, report suggests; further evidence indicates those who can't teach teach teachers ... Oscar buzz engulfs "Jack Lanterns" films; "I honestly cannot explain it," anonymous star confides ... Scientists reveal the rain in Spain falls mainly on arid formerly forested areas whose timber went into the Spanish Armada centuries ago, not on the plain ... 74% of Truman education students find observation hours height of tedium, poll says; other 26% brainwashed, comatose ... Bigfoot-Yeti clash grinds to draw; rematch scheduled for July 4 ... Stolen HTML case goes cold; suspect last spotted in Barbados in November '05 ... Boredom, irrelevance at seasonal high ... This is CUIP News

CUIP News for May 20, 2006 ... CUIP News central office finally rebuilt after disastrous May 2005 fire ... Second fire destroys news capabilities for the immediate future ... This is CUIP News

CUIP News for May 28, 2005 ... Gov't study: Household monotony at all-time high ... Supreme Court refuses to hear case of Lack of Car v. Lack of Money ... Stolen HTML code carrier's right hand lopped off in lightsaber duel of destiny ... Harry Reid: "This is an historic day for civility in the Senate" ... Bill Frist: "WAH! WAH! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" ... Bigfoot reportedly training for July 4 rematch vs. Yeti ... Prime Archons of United States of Explosions sighted constructing crude time machine from aluminum cans and D-cell batteries ... Anonymous sources frequently unreliable, source says ... George Lucas hires lawyers to write newer, stiffer dialogue for "Episode VII: A New Waste of Your Money Because I'm George Lucas and I Say So" ... Lucas: John Kerry to play lead role in new Star Wars; Hayden Christiansen cited as "Wooden, but not as corpse-like as I want" ... Nerds: "Stop bashing Star Wars" ... Thinking people: "Go away, nerds" ... American economy pretty bad, experts say ... Forecast: mostly cloudy with a 57% chance of brooding for the next three months; relief not expected till mid-August ... This is CUIP News

CUIP News for February 27, 2005 ... Goodness abounds, source says ... Meteorologists: Deep, dreary winter is fading; 57% chance of symbolism on March 21 ... Source: abridged tickers save time, sanity ... This is CUIP News